Kerry Ambushed by Dubya

The Altered States News
Joseph Munley
1/24/2012

“Who… Who told you that? What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t black anybody’s eyes… Besides… You can’t prove it…”

Those were the words uttered to me in the early morning hours when I called George W. Bush at his Ranch in Texas. It was clear from the gravel in his voice that I’d woken him up, and I figured I might as well keep him on the line for a bit longer since he was already up.

“Aren’t you curious? Don’t you want to know who you’re being accused of assaulting?” I asked.

“Well… Yeah… Sure. Who is it?”

“John Kerry.”

“John KERRY?! That guy who married the ketchup girl? That John Kerry?” Dubya asked, sounding a tad more convincing now that he was shaking out some of the cobwebs.

“Yes, that John Kerry. He also ran for President against you in 2004. Do you remember that?”

At that, he chortled – a sound that came out half pervert, half hooligan. He stifled it at the last second, but it was too late. I’d heard it.

“Dub – er, Mr. President… Why did you just laugh like… Like a goon?”

At this point, there was a great deal of rustling and it was clear that the former President was climbing out of bed. He whispered to whom I can only assume was his wife to ‘go back to sleep, Laura’ and then to me, ‘Give me a second, asshole’. Finally, after some more rustling and clanging around, Dubya addressed me again.

“You recording this?”

“No, sir.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. This is off the record… Got that?!”

“Absolutely.”

With that, the former president choked out his pervert/hooligan chortle again… “I hit that goofy bastard right in the nose with a training wheel!”

“A training wheel? Like from a bike?”

“What other kind of training wheel you know of, jackass?”

“Mr. President, why would you hit John Kerry in the face with a -”

At that very second, the former First Lady hollered for George, “Where are you, muffin?!”

Muffin?!

Dubya whispered into the phone… “Just look it up, jackass… It’ll all make sense… And I better not ever read a goddamn thing about that ‘Muffin’ business. That’s between me and my wife. Hear me?!”

“Yes, sir.”

“You sure?!”

“Yes, sir.”

Click.

And with that, he was gone. I was left alone in my dark office in the middle of the night with the mental image of former President George W. Bush whacking a U.S. Senator in the face with a bicycle training wheel while the sing-song voice of the former First Lady played in my head on a loop… “Muffin? Muffin? Muffin?…”

I did what any self-respecting 21st century writer would do… I Googled ‘John Kerry Training Wheel’ and THIS is what I found:

When he ran for president in 2004, Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) rarely missed an opportunity to crack a few jokes about President Bush.
One of his better lines came after being told by reporters that Bush had taken a tumble during a bike ride. “Did the training wheels fall off?” Kerry quipped.

It finally made sense. Well, not really, but it made a little bit of sense. I had a hard time convincing myself that Bush would hold a grudge for close to 8 years over a lame campaign trail joke. Then I realized that Bush had fallen off his bike in Texas all those years ago. That was Kerry’s big mistake, folks. He cracked wise about something that had happened in Texas, and we all know that you don’t dare mess with Texas.

I was off. I boarded the first plane to Washington D.C., made all of the appropriate calls while en route, and was granted a 30 second face-to-face with Senator Kerry just before he appeared with President Obama to honor the Boston Bruins and their 2011 Stanley Cup Championship.

“John, I know you didn’t get hit in the face with a hockey stick.”

“Sure, it was an accident during a good, clean game of hockey and -”

“Two words: Training Wheel.”

The Senator looked at me in disbelief. He must have thought I was some kind of mystic to know what had happened to him.

“How did you -”

“Is it true?”

He gave himself a good three seconds to try to think of another spin he could put on the story, but he finally relented. The picture below was snapped as he confirmed that he had, in fact, been the victim of a training wheel ambush…

"That crazy bastard hit me right here... With a TRAINING WHEEL!"

The official story coming out of Washington at this hour is that Kerry was injured in “a hockey game with friends” where he supposedly took a shot to the face with a hockey stick. Likely story, Senator.

Likely story.

- JM

Related articles

• John Kerry Breaks Nose Playing Hockey (boston.cbslocal.com)
• Commitment: Sen. John Kerry Shows Up At Hockey Event With Black Eyes And Broken Nose (mediaite.com)
• Former John Kerry staffer John Kiriakou arrested for blowing CIA agents’ cover. (kajunman.wordpress.com)
• John Kerry’s Broken Nose Honors Boston Bruins (inquisitr.com)

Tagged: Black Eyes, Boston Bruins, George W. Bush, Government, John Kerry, President, Texas, United States, Washington D.C.

Posted in: The Altered States News